If the tone of my posts seems wildly incongruous this month, it is because my pendulum is swinging wildly. I have felt incredibly out of sorts for the past two weeks, unable to sleep well, concentrate, get things done, and so on. My skin is a mess, my appetite sporadic, and I feel a level of exhaustion that seems inexcusable, given how little I've actually done. The problem is, I can't figure out why.
It appears to me that everything I can control is in order: my house, my work schedule, and so on. But the universe seems to be attacking things I cannot control. I've had three specific items go missing during the past few weeks, and these are items that I have not only had for quite some time, but also ones that I am always particularly careful with: my travel coffee mug (hello, this is my lifeline in the morning!), my flash drive with all of my lecture notes and teaching materials from the last three years, and my iPod. These might seem insignificant, but losing these items definitely disrupts the flow of my personal and professional energies. Yes, it is easy to replace a coffee mug. And I did today. But the years' and years' worth of teaching materials is a significant pain in the rear (though I did give the universe the finger today and managed to recover some of these documents in old email attachments). But my iPod was only a year old. And expensive. And I am not currently in a position to replace it.
I am also plagued by an inexplicable feeling that everything is just... off. It's not something I can articulate well, but the best I can do is that it has to do with energy or vibe. My world just doesn't feel right. I guess when people say they feel "off" this is what they could mean. But it's not the same "off" as when you think there's a cold coming on, or you're hung over. This isn't a physical "off." It's beyond that.
There may be various explanations both logical and other-worldly for these and other disruptions, but the bottom line is this: I feel so disrupted, so out of sorts, and can come up with no logical or workable explanation for these feelings, that it is perpetuating a cycle of anxiety, frustration, and hostility. Now "every little thing" is needling my nerves. Because I don't know what the cause is, I can't fix it. And when I can't fix it, I get anxious. And when I get anxious, the skin, sleep, and all other systems crash.
I'm supposed to find peace or the answer in: sometimes there is no answer. But this is not a skill I readily possess. I am a fixer, a do-er. I like congruity, lines, structure... when the lines get blurred, the congruity disrupted, and the structure collapses, especially beyond my own doing, I (clearly) have difficulty.
So, what's a girl to do? Let it ride? Fake it till I make it? Hold my breath and hope for the best? How does one allow the discord of the universe to work itself out without sacrificing ambition--or a healthy amount of sleep?